February 23, 2006

  • so these are the days of dissolution, continuously confusing, andendlessly beginning and ending, over and over again.  amen. what was the point of it all?  i had everything that our cultureof being under the all-consuming-mass-media-conglomerate-uberstructuralinfluence could possibly mean to implicitly promise to anyone with thesheer force of will, the moxy to really believe they deserved it. weare all rockstars.  we are all gods, morality andmortality equally optional.  and whatever part of that i might have continued tolack, i was well on the way to achieving, just so long as i continuedto agreeably, blindly buy in.  and, man, was i buying in.

    but all along that predetermined path, i was wracked with the faintestinkling of the possibility of the notion that i had, quite simply,forgotten something.  it was very much the same feeling i alwaysleave home with, its magnitude increasing with the anticipateddistance.  tap all the pockets, account for all the totems;keys, wallet, phone, cigs.  but wasn't i still forgetingsomething?  hopefully, as the day went by, it'd turn out to besomething insignificant, the neglecting of which wouldn't conclude in anynegative outcome.  that's the normal feeling.  this feelingwas the same, only on a scale of lifetimes versuspockets. 

    if only i could have shaken the feeling off, everything would havefallen into place.  at least, that's what i'm supposed to bethinking at this point, if only the corporate machines had had theirsoulless way with me.  fortunately (and, trust me, that's a wordthe choosing of which was hard coming), because it was such afundamental something that i had been neglecting, it caught up withme.  it caught up with me in a fierce and wreckless fashion (somemore objective observers might even say "spectacular"), but it caught upwith me and tore my life very dilligently asunder.  i was forced togather the sundry remains, mash one piece into another, place a thirdastride, and then lash the mess together with a fourth.

    and on that most uncertain foundation, i rebuilt my life.  ofcourse, it was more of a reconstruction than anything else, based uponwhat had stood before, and borrowing from any and all availablesources.  but it was new and it was uniquely mine, and for thosetwo qualities alone i already loved it. 

    but still, what is thepoint?  after all the reformulations and reiterations of the past,what is really to set this one apart?  if anything, the obviouslesson to learn is that everything changes, most of all, the self (ifsuch a thing even exists).  but if that is the case, how cananyone establish a truly stable life without compromising on thefreedoms that allow the maximization of that growth? 

    uhm, i think i'll just cut it right about there.  the koreans havea phrase for that, like they're always embarassed for having gone ontoo long.  or is that also just me?