November 10, 2004

• my grandfather (my father's father) died a few years ago at the ripe
  old age of ninety-something.  i didn't cry.  i guess it was
  because i felt he had lived a full life.  my father cried at the
  ceremony.  it was the only time i've ever seen it with my own eyes
  or heard it with my own ears.

  my grandmother (his wife, my father's mother) died just over a month
  ago.  this time i cried.  i cried when i realized that i
  would never get to ask her about her life, and what she knew of my
  grandfather's, and about their life together.  when my grandfather
  had died, i guess it didn't matter so much so long as she remained to
  answer my questions on his behalf as well as her own.  but these
  were the grandparents i'd grown up with for the most part here in
  california.  somehow, having known them even just that little
  (there was a massive language barrier between them and me) makes it a
  little better...

  my grandfather (my mother's father) just passed away the day before
  yesterday.  it was stomach cancer that finally got him.  he'd
  been "dying" of it for the past two years.  i guess i had him
  figured for dead already because when the news came, i didn't
  cry.  but then i heard my mother's voice over the phone, getting
  quieter and quieter until she wasn't talking at all.  i asked her
  if she was coping well enough and she broke down, told me she had to
  go, hung up the second i whispered, "okay..." 

  now, my mother, i've seen and heard cry before.  not often, and
  never frivolously, but once or twice because of me, and more
  specifically because of my lackings or weaknesses.  but every
  time, regardless of the cause, it has always, consistently, totally
  broken my heart.  this time, though, it wasn't my mother crying or
  my father's wife crying.  this time it was my grandfather's middle
  daughter crying.  but instead of being frightening like seeing my
  father this way, it was strangely, painfully beautiful.  and so,
  as these thoughts were forming for the first time, i cried again.

  today i wept for unconditional love as the sun rose.  there were
  only so many people in this world that loved me that way because i was
  my mother's son, and as i inch towards my own demise, it seems the
  number shrinks faster than it grows...

  • 11:21 am
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